PPP (Previously Privately Posted):
Today, I confessed an innermost secret to a friend from the gym: I stress, to the utmost maximum, about every interaction I have with everyone outside of a core group of people. I wonder how they view me, if I measure up okay. And every time someone talks to me more than once, I wonder why. I constantly expect people to just stop talking to me at some point. And I always assume they’re making fun of me.
Put it all out there
I had previously posted the above as a private post because I wasn’t done with it, but I also wasn’t sure I wanted to share this with the world. However…..why not? Maybe other people feel the same way? My friend was stunned because I apparently “always come off as so confident”. It turns out I might be an amazing actress, although I DO have a certain amount of confidence, and a helluva lot of false bravado.
It’s fitting that I would come back to this post today, because I had another realization about myself, following a conversation I had with my Mom this past weekend. Earlier this year, approximately 7 weeks ago, I reached the 199lb mark — I finally broke 200 — and it broke me, mentally. It turns out that I had no goal after that, which is not something I had previously realized. I always assumed that I would celebrate my loss and the milestone of breaking that number on the scale. Not so! Not at all, actually. Instead, all I felt was deflated. I reached out to my tweeps in the fitness world and they helped me to realize why I was so upset and that I needed to set new goals. So, I have set a few physical challenges (10K in May, Spartan 5K in August) but I still feel….dissatisfied, or something.
Time to Focus
In an effort to refocus, I spent some time today going through some of the photos I have saved in this file folder on my work computer called “Inspiration”.
Many of the contents of the folder are pictures of incredibly hot, muscular men:
Which is silly, because I don’t exactly want to look like that.
The majority of the photos in the folder contain inspirational messages that I love, but don’t follow:
A much smaller percentage of the content are photos of women that I love the look of, would love to look like, but don’t think it’ll ever happen:
Aha!! Suz!! Did you hear yourself??
I want to look like this, but I don’t think I ever will. One thing I know for sure is that I haven’t been putting the kind of work into my diet lately that Ms. Wilkins does in order to attain/maintain this physique, so why would I ever think I could possibly reach it? (note: I KNOW I have to work hard to see changes. I am just tired of working really hard and not getting to this point immediately.)
In a world of instant gratification in almost every other facet of our lives, the idea of working so hard and having to wait to look like Nicole, up there, or any other fitness model or body builder seems like a completely impossible task. I KNOW that it’s not. I have made HUGE changes in my body over the past 6 years:
And yet….I still don’t think I’ll ever get there. In addition, I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied if I don’t reach it. Which is a huge realization in and of itself, actually. At one point, I must have decided that I’d “be happy” when I broke the 200lb mark on the scale, but sometime between 265lbs and 199lbs, my goal changed to looking like a figure competitor……? Weird. Is this really my new goal??? I wouldn’t have thought so, but, as I say, I honestly don’t think I’ll be satisfied until I do. From one extreme to the other, I suppose.
Now, I have to get my diet back on track. I need to “go hard” for a few months. I saw an AMAZING transformation on facebook (although now I cannot find it, of course). This gal, in four months, made a massive difference in her body and then with a further 7 weeks of working out and working with a nutritional coach, she put herself in the OMG THAT’S AMAZING category. SEVEN WEEKS. You know what I’ve done with the last 7 weeks??? Not that, that’s what. I have sort of just coasted along, trying not to go back over the 200 lb mark, but really, not working very hard on reaching anything below it, either. I still workout hard, but my diet has slipped to the point of “what’s the point”. I don’t have the money to invest in a nutritional coach, although I would dearly love to. I am going to really really really focus for the next two months (I leave for Belize on May 12th) and if after that I feel that I need a coach, I will do so. I have no intention of competing, but I obviously want to look like I do, so I might have to do what is necessary to get that look.
Any suggestions are welcomed.
(quick note: yesterday someone at the gym commented on how much I’ve lost in the past 8 months; my typical response was used “thanks. I still have a long way to go.” He replied, “You’re not on the Biggest Loser ranch, Suz.” Yep, excellent point, thank you!)